This love with midnight conversations, looking up to the

This Year

Batoul
Dabajeh

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This was the year I didn’t
see coming,

The one that shook me out
of complacency.

I’ve learned to stop being
so compliant,

To demand what was
rightfully mine,

Refuse to settle for
anything less than what I deserved

 

I’ve learned that I can go
on waiting for something, sustained by hope and nothing more,

or I can put it on one
side and shrug my shoulders.

I’ve bravely accept the
fact that I can’t keep my heart safe

any more than I can stop
love from taking everything from me.

 

I have learned to stop
saying yes when I don’t mean it

To live as authentically
as I can.

To allow the tips of my
fingers to skirt the darkness,

as long as I remember to
keep my eyes fixated on the light.

And as one door opens and
another closes, I will move forward,

With the knowledge that
unlike so many others,

I have another year ahead
of me

Another shot at making it
all the way around the sun,

And a chance to get it
right this time around.

I am starting this year
barefoot in the sand.

Moonlight on my skin and
sea-wind through my hair.

Love in my heart and
murder in my veins.

 

This was the year that
came with a gentle tap on the shoulder,

Reminding me who I was and
what I could be,

If only I’d just open my
arms and let the light in,

Stop-overthinking and
start living.

Give myself permission to
fall as long as I got back up again.

 

I lost patience with small
talk

Fell in love with midnight
conversations, looking up to the night sky,

I crossed deserts and
oceans stumbling amongst strangers,

As I lived out of
suitcases,

Drunk on life and laughter

 

I held the loved ones,
closer,

Let go of the things that
weren’t meant to be mine.

Looked my past dead in the
eye and said,

 “You aren’t welcome here anymore.”

Chased away the cobwebs
that I had let linger far too long.

Told the moon I was sorry-

This is now my time in the
sun.

 

 

I felt my life culminating
to a point,

The delicate threads of my
existence joining to form a tapestry.

The events up until the
present that has seemed of no particular significance,

Now imbued with a deeper,
darker meaning.

The tapestry told stories
of betrayal, hatred, loyalty, love, and adventures.

A work of intricate woven
threads in progress.

 

I can see it so clearly,

The greater plan.

I am both the architect
and tenant of my destruction and rebirth.

I can feel it so acutely
like and ache in my chest,

Knowing ultimately,

That I am locked into a
chain of events that I cannot stop,

And an outcome I cannot
alter

Feeling at once helpless

yet hopelessly awed

by my part in this
beautiful, brutal expression of the Universe.